I woke up feeling fine. I had breakfast, then got hungry soon after. Had some watermelon as a snack before lunch. Lunch was good. I def felt full, almost wondered if it was too much food. I felt a headache coming on after lunch. I had another snack around 3:30pm. At this point I’m feeling nauseous. I decided to take a nap. I woke up not feeling any better. My head was pounding and I still felt like I could throw up at any moment. I stayed awake for an hour or so, then laid back down for a while. Maybe napped for 2 or more hours. It was around dinner time but I still never felt hungry, so I didn’t eat. I was trying to be good about listening to my body and only feeding it when it was hungry. I decided to eat around 8:30/9:00pm just because I hadn’t eaten anything since 3:30pm. The nauseous feeling made it really hard to eat. I forced myself to eat. I felt even more sick after. I didn’t want to do anything but sleep. My eyes were so sore. I’m guessing that’s from work and staring at a computer all day. I had to have a trash can by my bed in case I had to throw up in the middle of the night. It was the worst feeling ever.
I ended up googling the nausea symptom. From the stuff I read, it said it could be low blood sugar or hunger. I knew it wasn’t hunger because I felt it even after I ate. This morning (Day 3), I read in the book and it was saying the headaches were totally common for days 2 & 3. It still didn’t say anything about nausea. I’m still not sure what it was, but I’m glad it’s not happening right now. It’s 9am (day 3) and I feel fine. No headache or nausea. Let’s hope it stays that way.
I feel pretty good. I drank a big glass of water when I woke up this morning. I was surprised I could drink plain water but I didn’t really have a choice lol so I did it. I was able to walk Nash this morning. I forgot to eat a banana before so I was hungry soon into our walk. I ended up not eating until over a hour later though. I had a good filling breakfast… Or so I thought.
I was pretty hungry around 10am, which is unusual. I ended up eating lunch at 11:30am. I never eat that early! I enjoyed lunch. I had a snack of fruit around 1 1/2 hrs later. After work, I was able to cut grass for a family. I was nervous about having energy but it went well. Drank a glass of water after. It took me an hour to prepare dinner. It was amazing though!!! I’m exhausted now and it’s only 8pm. I’m falling asleep now as I’m typing.
I’ll report how the following days go.
I will be starting the Whole 30 tomorrow (July 1st). I tried the program a couple months ago. I made it maybe 10 days. I felt like a million bucks. I can’t really remember why I stopped. I do remember breaking it with froyo lol. I know I went into the program expecting it to solve all my problems. I was hoping it would change my overeating habits. I wanted to get this extra weight off that I’ve put on.
To date, I’ve gained a total of 70 lbs since I started this weight loss journey. Since losing the 130 lbs or so, I’ve gained a binge eating problem. I don’t want to call it a disorder because I haven’t been diagnosed, but it’s very real. I eat whenever I want. I don’t even have to be hungry. I just eat for any number of reasons. I’ll eat if I’m happy, sad, angry, bored, and so on. It would probably be the definition of mindless eating.
2 weeks ago I stopped eating fast food. I was trying to prepare for the Whole 30. I wanted to make as smooth a transition as possible. I lost about 5 lbs during that time. I’m sure I’ve gained a least a pound today though. I mean it’s the day before I start the program, of course I’m gonna go get Chick-fil-a and FroYo. I’ve not felt great today from these foods. I’ve felt very lethargic. I haven’t wanted to do anything. It just makes me want to eat more bad food. Instead of wanting to eat better food, that gives me energy, my mind has been telling me to eat more bad food. It’s very cyclical. The more I have, the more I seem to want. It’s as if I’m never satisfied. After I had the FroYo, I was brainstorming what else I was going to get. It’s crazy.
Anyways… my goal is to write everyday on the blog during the program. I would love to have a record of my experience. I’ll be taking pictures as well (that goes without saying lol). We’ll see what the future holds for me.
Prayer: Lord, please be with me during this journey. I want to honor You as I follow this program to learn what foods I’m allergic to. Please grant me the gift of self-control, so that I may live in a way that brings glory to your name. I want my eating habits to lead myself and others to worship You. Give me a good, constant perspective that it’s about ‘progress, NOT perfection.’ Thank you Lord for all the ways you’ve been working in my life until now, and I praise you for how you will continue to work. Amen!
Philippians 4:13. This is one of the most well known verses in the Bible. We have all used this verse at times to remind ourselves that nothing is impossible for God (Matthew 19:26). We are weak, but He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:9). God chooses to use broken vessels to make His name great. He delights to work through our weaknesses.
I have been struggling with my weight for the past year. On July 5th 2014, I weighed 150 lbs. Today, June 15th 2015, I am weighing in at 220 lbs. I have officially gained 70 lbs! In some ways I can’t believe this has happened…but when I really think about the way I have been living each and everyday, I’m really surprised it’s not more than this. As of late, the pattern of my life has been a constant binge. I don’t just eat a little of whatever (mostly sweets), but I’ll eat more than my fair share. I have this mentality that I went a year and a half not allowing myself these things and so now I’m going to make up for it. I’m not satisfied with just 1 cookie, I want 5 cookies. I eat past being stuffed. I eat until I am in pain. I’m not happy after I eat. The emotions I usually feel are shame, embarrassment, hopeless, discouraged, and the list goes on. I am not happy with my life. I am not happy with the way I have been living. I do NOT feel good in my body. I feel embarrassed to leave the house. Everyone knows that I lost a bunch of weight and now they can see I’ve been gaining.
I just got my Health Coach Certification through the American Council on Exercise (ACE). This would be really exciting if I were living out all that I’ve learned. I am a horrible example. I know that unless something changes soon, I will NOT be able to get a job. Nobody is going to want to take tips/advice from someone weighing over 200 lbs. It proves that I’m not living out the material I’m trying to share. I absolutely must strive to practice what I preach. I am a model of how to live a healthy lifestyle. I am meant to be an encouragement to those around me. That is NOT at all how I would describe myself right now. I am more the example of what not to do.
Anyways, things must change. I have been asking people questions about how they are being successful. I am learning about the food industry and how addictive sugar is. I have tried several different diets. I have been searching for the answer. I have been searching for what will get me back on track. Nothing seems to work though. I ended my Weight Watchers membership in May, but I had stopped attending meetings in probably March. I couldn’t handle continuing to gain weight every week. What was the point of continuing to go if I wasn’t doing the program. I’ve also tried Overeaters Anonymous. It wasn’t bad, but I haven’t kept up with that either. I feel like I’ve exhausted my resources. I don’t know where else to turn. The only place I have not truly and honestly turned to is GOD.
I would say that I’ve asked God for help along the way, but in the back of my mind, I’ve really believed I could do it on my own. I often believe the lie that I lost the weight before on my own. I know I did Weight Watchers, but ultimately it was because of me that I was successful. This is obviously not true. God truly is the One in control. God is the One who made the way for me to be successful. He took away cravings. He gave me motivation. He gave me energy and so on. God may use certain people or systems, but ultimately all things are possible through Him. He is the One who strengthens me to make good decisions. This is who I need to turn to.
Starting tomorrow I will begin (again lol). My goals are to not eat fast food, peanut butter, or chocolate. I am going to fight to ONLY eat my food at my house. I will not eat FREE food offered to me by others if it contains sweets. The goal is to get sugar out of my system. I’ve learned that sugar is just as addictive as cocaine. Basically, drugs are running through my system. The reason it’s difficult for me to say no to sweets is because I’m addicted. It’s not just about will power. I am literally having to fight against my brain. My brain is telling me “I need sugar now…or else”. So many times, I will like I won’t be able to function if I don’t get it. It consumes the majority of my thoughts. It’s a problem. I need to get this out of my system if I choose to be successful.
I am going to fight to believe that God can do it!!! God can strengthen me. When I want to shoot someone tomorrow because I don’t have any chocolate, He will be there. God will NOT leave me when I am craving peanut butter and I know it’s in the pantry calling me name. God will strengthen me to do this! I do NOT have to depend on myself. I can relax and trust Him. I can cry out to Him. He will be there for me every step of the way. I will honor God with what I put in my food. My body will be a holy temple to be used for the Lord’s work. People will turn to Christ and worship Him because I have a healthy relationship with food. He will work in my life, so that I am able to point others to Him. It’s all about Him!!
I can do all things through Him (Christ) who strengthens me!!!!!!!
I just finished watching the movie “To Write Love on Her Arms”. It’s based off the true story of a girl struggling with depression, mental illness, cutting, etc. I remember hearing about the To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) movement when I was in college. I saw someone with a shirt, but had no idea what it was about. Once I found out, I remember feeling excited that people were speaking out against cutting (and other forms of destructive behaviors). I thought mostly about cutting…up until watching the movie tonight.
As you know (those who have read my blog), I’ve struggled with food since I was a child. I obsess over it. It consumes the majority of my thoughts throughout the day. So, you may have noticed I haven’t written much in the blog for about a year. This has been partly due to life getting crazy and me not making the time to do it. It has also been due to NOT doing well with my weight loss. I had gotten down to 150 lbs in July of 2014. It all changed after that. It wasn’t fast, but a slow gradual change. I remember not knowing what to do with myself at 150 lbs. That wasn’t even my goal, but yet everyone kept saying I should be done losing weight. My goal, according to Weight Watchers standards, was 140 lbs and that’s the HIGH end. I never thought in a million years I could get to that weight. Starting out at 298 lbs!!!! The idea of getting to 150 was NOT even a dream. I never thought it would be possible.
It didn’t happen overnight, but gradually, I started letting myself have more treats. I kept telling myself I deserved it. I had worked so hard, so what’s wrong with a couple chocolate covered oreos at a friend’s bachelorette party or 2 slices of cake a wedding or frozen yogurt for no reason and so on. Those small compromises have brought me to where I am today. Today, I weigh a total of 191 lbs! Yes, I have gained over 40 lbs. The highest I had gotten back up to was 198 lbs. 198 lbs….I gained almost 50 lbs back! I just kept letting myself have whatever I wanted. I would mess up one meal, then end up having whatever I wanted the rest of the day. I had felt like I had already ruined the day, so why keep trying. This is the idea of “Oh, I have 1 flat tire, so I might as well go ahead and slash the other 3 to make it even.” This makes NO sense whatsoever. If I wouldn’t do that to my car, why am I consistently doing it to my body? I would gain some weight, then the next week, I would lose some. Then I would gain some more and lose some. This continued for months. It was probably July 2014 – February 2015.
All the while, starting in November I signed up to get my Health Coach certification through ACE. So, I am reading this book about helping others to live healthy lifestyles and I am binge eating. I remember reading about the Eating Disorders. When I read about Binge Eating, I felt like they were writing about me.
Some words from the Mayo Clinic:
“Binge-eating disorder is a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food. Almost everyone overeats on occasion, such as having seconds or thirds of a holiday meal. But for some people, overeating crosses the line to binge-eating disorder and it becomes a regular occurrence, usually done in secret. When you have binge-eating disorder, you may be deeply embarrassed about gorging and vow to stop. But you feel such a compulsion that you can’t resist the urges and continue binge eating.”
Again, this describes me! In my Health Coach book, it talked about how you feel out of control. You feel so compelled to eat. There were times when I felt like I would die if I didn’t get something sweet. I was addicted. I was addicted to ‘bad food’. I had gotten to the point to where I was eating fast food sometimes twice a day, but for sure at least once a day. I was literally letting myself have whatever I wanted. I did NOT deprive myself of anything. I felt like an addict. I felt like an alcoholic. I felt so out of control. I felt constantly ashamed of my actions. For a while, people were still complementing me on my looks and saying how proud they were of me. I couldn’t stand it! I felt like such a fake. I hated all the attention. I knew people would eventually start noticing I had gained. No one ever said it to my face. Never. No one called me out. I say, now, that I wish they had, but I don’t know what I would have done if they had. Well, I take that back, my mom knew the story. She didn’t know how bad it had gotten, but she knew I was gaining.
Anyways, I don’t know if I actually have or had Binge Eating Disorder. If nothing else, I know I have Disordered Eating. My eating is not ordered. lol. I have come to realize that I never really deal with my issues. I simply keep on going with life. I do not take the time to wrestle with ANYTHING! I have come to realize that I simply eat my feelings. I consistently eat…for whatever reasons. I eat when I’m sad. I eat when I’m happy. I eat when I’m lonely. I eat when it’s late at night. I eat for any number of reasons. I do not think when I eat. I just do it! It’s been my ‘go to’ for 28 years! It’s all I’ve been trained to do. I was never trained to think about what I’m eating…Or why I’m eating. I just eat. I know some of you may think “wow, she’s making a really big deal out of food!” Believe me, it’s not just about food. To some degree, it’s not about food at all. It’s about everything else. It’s about everything I don’t think about. It’s about EVERYTHING.
So…what does all this have to ultimately do with To Write Love on Her Arms?! Well, I want to be honest. Food addiction is something that isn’t talked about enough. I know they have hit TV shows about weight loss and what not, but they often do NOT get to the root of the issues. Again, it’s not about food, it’s about everything else. Writing this post is a step forward for me. I want to be open. Just like the girl in the movie said “I’m still messed up!” I feel like that will always be me. Even if/when I get to my goal weight, I will still be an Addict. I will be recovering, but none the less, I’m one step away from a Binge. All that keeps me is Christ.
Christ is my only hope! If you’ve read my blog, then you know nothing is possible outside of Christ. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for Him. God gives the grace I need for TODAY! Not for the week or month or year, but for TODAY. I need to come to Him everyday for my needs. My needs usually involve the strength, will-power…grace to not overeat. It is a daily struggle, but God is there DAILY. I am never left alone. If I choose to seek His help, He will be there to give me the GRACE I need to make it through. He who has began a good work will bring it to completion (Phil. 1:6). God started this whole weight loss thing and He will complete it. He will meet all my needs.
Let’s speak out about our issues so that we do NOT allow Satan to reign in the darkness of our hearts. We need to bring our issues to light, that Christ might reign. You are not the only one struggling. There are so many of us out there, it’s just a matter of admitting it and turning to the One True Healer…the Lord Jesus Christ. He makes all things possible!!!!
During the Fall of 2013, I was the Mentor for the Walkers in the Fleet Feet Sports Couch to 5K Training Group. Our Coach, Kelly, asked us to come up with a goal that we could be striving for during our time in the program. On September 9, 2013, I set the goal to run 5 minutes straight. I didn’t know if it would happen during the 12 week training group, but it was a goal I was striving to achieve. I finally achieved my goal on March 26, 2014. I couldn’t believe the day finally came when I could run 5 minutes straight outside. I had done about 7 or so minutes on the treadmill, but this was my first time outside (in the elements). It felt so good to achieve a goal I had been working so hard to meet.